Things I find upon waking: a gay man, a straight girl both clad in web bathing suits, a full bathtub, an empyt bottle of jamesons at the bottom and a scuba mask
hey dont come home for a while, moms drunk and is telling the story of 'how she met dad at that orgy' again
His apartment number was 69. I had to.
This guy kept running around with a blender giving people shots of everclear and vodka. Best. Toga. Party. Ever.
I wasn't so much your wingman at that point as I was the interpreter of you point at shit and mumbling to the cab driver.
Did you know you could bring s cooler of beer to the nail salon?
I just did the math, I've had 8 hours of sleep in the last 3 days. Not sure if that means I am dedicated to my sex life or my job...
just let her blow you already, it's practically animal cruelty at this point.
He's def the type to chop us into bits whilst screaming "NAPA BITCH". AKA my type
I had a dream that I had to take a breathalyzer but then it turned out to be a bong....why can't that be real life?
I'm going to pretend you don't watch My Little Pony and focus on your large cock. Kay? Don't bring it up again.
Doing laundry. My jeans from last night smell like chicken wings and motor oil.
I DID MY EXPERIMENTING. FOUR YEARS OF IT. IN HIGH SCHOOL.
You're officially the most high maintenance man I've ever had inside me.
She was cleaning herself at the bus stop. She also picked up gum off the ground and ate it
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