I want to touch your soul through your body...with my penis...
Mike i'm at church right now...
I'm surrounded by dudes and fupa's! No hot chicks...wtf!?
Medical industry, most hot chicks dont want to deal with blood + shit
i just like, need to vent to someone
Can we skip the part where I pretend to care and fast forward to the appreciative blowjob from you?
Trust me at the end of the night there will be queso smothered places you didn't think it could be smothered
The party went downhill once the fire department had to be called to put out the kitchen fire.
Just realized I probably only have one more wedding where I can say I fucked the bride.
Did I really make him pull over to give the homeless guy my bra?
No one's ever called me intergalactic cocksucker, before.
What does it say about me that I feel completely charmed right now?
You also once spent an entire hour explaining the origin of the strip steak to me.
We tried to do sophisticated last night, but our low class kept shining through.
I am more than mildly offended he didn't screenshot the snapchat of my boobs.
On a side note, my ex husband offered to buy me shrooms
Well it might’ve been because you asked to play What Makes You Beautiful at the club
I need to hurry up and get over my feelings for him so next year's tipsy reunion sex won't be clouded by emotions.
The economy cant be that bad, I willingly got fired to bang her again.
Randomize
