just bought miller high life, hungry man dinners, and a bottle of lube. you win life, you win.
good penises are hard to come by.... must be the economy...
I hate fucking guys that don't drink coffee. My morning hangover and shame will not be cured by your stupid tea.
thanks for not screaming that I'm pregnant when that guy was giving me his number.
i've been thru my totinos phase. then after reading the ingredients and nutritional info i almost puked in my mouth. its like having the bastard child of pizza hut and mcdonalds invade your kitchen and start stabbing your digestive system.
Remember the girl passed out in front of my fireplace?
he told me not to treat him like a child and then started peeing off the trampoline
you were standing in two feet of water, screaming at people walking by to "call river rescue".
I experienced pure joy just moments ago when I looked down and saw that I had another pop tart to consume down my mouth hole.
Lets play a game called: how out of it are you today? Let me know if you can beat driving on the wrong side of the road twice and walking up two extra flights of stairs just because you weren't paying attention to what floor you are on....
New guy at the liquor store was inexplicably fascinated by our huge jug of williams. First he said what are you gonna mix THAT with? and looked confused when I said air.
I'm in too deep with Breaking Bad. I realized I've altered my Tinder likes to people that either look like Jesse or work in a school's Science department.
We're fucking and Lee Greenwood God Bless the USA comes on and he came. It was the most Roll Tide America moment of my life.
Well... This is my last night at the resort. So far, the only thing that has been in my vagina is sand.
No one should have to go to work between Christmas and New Years, but here I am twirling in my office chair and putting Jack in my coffee like I’m back in college studying for finals.
Randomize
