I woke up this morning wearing my tux shirt and jacket, but no pants.
______ was pissed. My breath tastes like tequila and doritos, and I couldn't get it up.
the best things in life are free. have that freshly fucked look and doing the walk of shame by HIS girlfriend.....priceless
u know whats better than using ur vibrator? using it w/ jeopardy on in the background and half moaning the correct final jeopardy question. yeah that just happened.
any plan I had today of being a productive member of society, I am officially throwing out the window.
Last night when I was hammered I set a reminder to tell you that your boobs are my favorite ones in the world, so this is me giving you that message.
someone put bongwater in my humidifier again THIS NEEDS TO STOP
I was just walking down the hall and passed a very pregnant girl wearing a shirt that said "blame it on the aaaaaa-alcohol." I can't decide if she's brilliantly witty or just pointing fingers.
I puked in the urinal of a bar tonight. Not embarrassed cause I got away with it, legitimately upset you weren't there to make fun of me.
I took 20 bucks from you because when I woke up I saw more of you than I ever wanted to see bro.
Totally acceptable.
Thank you for making it possible for me to get laid while having peace of mind my dog is well taken care of.
After Madison dropped a bottle of full vodka an it shattered on the floor, it was quiet for literally 3 min straight and then drew said "the booze gods have spoken"
...You tried to use your wallet to call her after you gave your cell phone to the cab driver as a "peace offering"
My liver needs the occasional pep talk and a reminder that we are two weeks into freshman year of college.
I'm not gonna lie. I'm a little scared.
Good. The Jell-O shots look great.
Awww I'm so proud! Starting friendships before you hook up!
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