So called my VP's house on Sunday drunk and told him that if he didn't hire me for the new position I would skull fuck his wife. They asked me to go home today. Thanks again Vodka
so i slept on a park bench last night...no hobo
You're earring is so big in my mouth
The night was doomed the minute I started taking shots with an apple as a chaser.
Fuck positive energy. I choose drinking instead,
Its only tuesday and I need a dd home from work. This is getting too easy.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
I thought it was a myth but I have just reached the age of sitting on my balls. Not a fan.
Do you think you're physically and mentally capable of killing me? Because I'd really appreciate it.
You know you're sufficiently drunk when the 411 dude just says, "Fuck it! I'll Google that shit for you, what movie do you want to see?" and proceeds to give you showtimes for 3 different theatres.
Would it be weird to tell him that on his b'day he's dressing up and we're having weird Jesus sex?
rollerskate sex sounded like a good idea...
Just got tinder matched with my COMM TA. Game on.
he came with me to get plan b but they didn't have any. when I started crying he said "come on it's not that bad.. ill go get sandwiches from the vending machine and we'll have our first meal together as a family"
I honestly have no desire to wear clothes around you
I have that affect on people
Randomize
