Just woke up. First thing I see: Little brother eating last night's jello shots thinking they're reg jello.
I kinda knew it wasnt going to pan out when he would rather watch how i met your mother ON TIVO than fuck me......
I drank mimosas and played bocce ball in the middle of finals week...now i know how Comm majors feel all the time.
We have to talk through the words with friends chat so his gf won't find out
Just had the weirdest flashback. Did we buy melon, take it into the restaurant and try to make them give it to us as dessert?
Someone jacked my earrings off me or I threw em in the toilet again
I hate when that happens
Well apparently I'm no fun since I won't have a threesome with him and my mother.
Hi this is the guy from the cell phone store. Your Dad just upgraded your phone as a surprise. I didn't tell him about your topless pics on your phone. I transfered them to new phone. Nice rack!
I just dried my bra with your hair straightener because the drier is broken again.
I know, but the fabulousness of my baggies should not be what defines my business as a drug dealer.
My rule for unemployment is that I can't smoke before noon.
I haven't gotten up before 1 though, so it hasn't really impacted me.
Can't trust a bar that doesn't have fireball
It figures that the only time one of my videos on Snapchat gets replayed is a video of my Hedonism Bot impression and NOT my nudes
WHY DON'T YOU WANT TO BE MY ESKIMO BRO
I just did my taxes to sober up, I'm THAT hungover
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