I don't know what's more sad having a rewards account at a liquor store or already racking up 273 dollar points since january
He didn't speak any English, but I think I caught the word turtle in there somewhere.
Why would he say turtle mid-fuck?
because you can't take the autistic girl you're babysitting on a blunt ride.
I think it's safe to say me, swords and vodka can never be aloud in the same room again.
Can I have my ID back now or are you using it to crossdress again?
Yes I was being legit. That's the only plant I want in my house. A growing penis.
Not enough clothes on. Not enough vagina. Not enough drugs in my body.
It was awesome explaining why I had a tiger with boxers in my bed, a little bit drunk, to a girl in a pre-sex moment
The way I'm gonna look at it is, if you don't makeout with your roommate once in college, you didn't do something right.
The police report said that there were 25 cases of bud light, two hookers fighting in the street, 13 cop cars, and two road blocks, a kid got tazered, another got maced, and over a hundred people in the house
So that means its a bad thing that your dad found it huh?
Pretty sure I humiliated the fuck out of myself last night after I was dared to attempt to give myself head. I hate vodka
Waking up next to a guy you don't remember going home with and the first thing you say is: where is my tiara? = successful birthday
LOL he's a hopeless romantic now? 🤔 I'd say giving him a bj in a freakin softball dugout isn't the most romantic thing but it still happened
Of course I'm watching space shows while stoned on the science channel. Why would I want to learn while not baked out of my skull?
We lost. I'mma go home and drink more and do a face mask and wonder why it is that god put me on this Earth to suffer
Randomize
