this episode of spongebob makes me wish crabby patties were real
My leg won't stop wagging. It's like it's congratulating my vagina.
Imagine if you could have something so delicious, like your taste buds went on LSD while eating a chocolate tiramisu. That's the opposite of what cum tastes like.
Did you find any other hidden treasures in my room? Specifically weed? Or Slim Jims?
I understand why they say don't drink the water in Mexico... I just saw 5 guys piss upstream of where the bar tender went to get the water
I would seriously fuck her so hard, her contacts would pop out of her eyes.
There's a bachlorette party going on at the bowling alley, so we'll see who wins greatest shitshow tonight.
You called me and said "Aidan's unconscious" to which he said "I'm conscious, I'm conscious pilot"
He was filled with the holy spirit. And vodka.
Figured out how I got so much alcohol in my hair: tried to drink my drink using my cleavage as a cup holder. Missed my drink hole and got it all in my hair
My life is literally the worst. I was just laughing so hard at how hot they looked feeding each other the brownies and then I was like DON'T CRY
Eye drops are like seatbelts of being high. Think about it
Turns out the dorm toilet can't take a punch. Gonna be a long year without Mexican food.
Because sadly the idea of me having a girlfriend is crazy enough to be an April fools prank
I just realized I haven't looked at our horoscopes lately. If mine says anything about tweakers, I'm burning my phone.
Oh shit oh shit oh shit.
BURN THE PHONE.
the sex got boring after the first three hours
holy shit
Randomize
