hey, here's something you don't have worry about since you're a girl: finding crusty cum in your bellybutton.
Been drinkin since 3, wearing a tutu, how could things go wrong
I need to figure out what I wanna do with my life.
There are margaritas in the freezer still.
We snorted a line of cocaine and xanax, and then played a game of Backgammon. It was surprisingly therapeutic.
he screamed PILLOW FIGHT and hit branden in the head with a pillow that had a fifth of vodka in it. then he asked why he wasnt laughing
You told me if you could get your shoes on, you deserved a coke and rum. We never made it to the party.
Walked in the bathroom at work and my boss was taking a shit with the stall wide open and responded "oh yeah, I forgot you never have been to prison "
Sometimes you just gotta fuck a has been local celebrity for your 15 minutes.
I just found a contact in my phone named "Sam 'it Won't Fit' Wilson". No clue when or where it came from....
Jesus I should have learned from my first marriage not to get married again
You used your chihuahua as a pillow screaming "HE'S A PILLOW AND A PET" and proceeded to puke in the dog bed
The morning after your company Xmas party and that moment you're eating a block of cheese in bed wearing a sequin blazer and recalling all the details of your one night stand with a coworker who happened to start that day...fuck.
Jesus when did you leave my house? I found 2 bottles of wine, vodka, and a book with blow all over it wondering if I was read bedtime stories
I was 40 minutes late to work today because I was getting fucked. Walked in to discover that it's apparently performance review day. Employee of the year.
Will you PLEASE get your mom to stop telling me I'd make a great husband? She knows I'm gay, right?!
I know, but she really likes you. Have you met my brother yet?
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