hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
Every time my boyfriend threatens to commit suicide I change my relationship status as "widowed".
I was also standing on my bed with a road cone pounding on the ceiling at 3am. Not sure why
Thank god the bicycalist i hit was on drugs
It's raining. Will need ride home and blow job.
So, we bought a knight today. Nearly life size. Hes in the garage, so don't be startled.
My entire summer has consisted of being too drunk for this shit, too sober for this shit, or too hungover for this shit.
In case you wake up wondering why your eyes hurt... You were claiming to be Zeus and that mortal weapons couldn't harm you. Some chick took it as a challenge and pepper sprayed you. Sorry dude.
I don't know, I think having hemorrhoids shows character. You have to be trying pretty hard to get them.
Do you sleep with the same women I've already slept with on purpose?
This hangover is too legit right now. I just sneezed and almost puked
we're having rib night followed by a cultural enlightenment party
whats a cultural enlightenment party
we eat nachos and drink margaritas and tequila till we pass out
Were not even through the second month of the year and I potentially may have torpedoed a marriage...
She left a cookie cake on my porch, and the frosting reads "I'm sorry". She left me an I'm-sorry-for-punching-you-in-the-face cake.
Randomize
