I dont like him- his parents were home and he hid me in his closet like anne frank
Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
if i were to get pulled over right now, the only thing i would be guilty of is listening to 90's Mariah Carey
I told him I had my daily dose of vitamin c so i wouldn't blow him
Why does everyone think all I do is drink? I go to class on wednesdays
weed brownie and a latte, breakfast of champions
Lost another pound. Switching from beer to hard liquor did this body good.
Just had sex with your cousin. That's what you get for throwing away a perfectly good microwave. Hopefully you learned from this experience.
Ur dog was like a damn middle school chaperone this morning trying to lay between us after what he saw us do last night
Woke up naked on a bed full of money, doughnuts, and keys that weren't mine. Unsent dick pick on phone, and cheap cigar butt on my pillow. Also...I maybe hotwired my car.
I tried to twerk on a barn in 3 inch heels at a party last night and nose dived into mud. These were all new friends. I'm probably not allowed back. Cool.
Running my fingers through my hair was like that scene in Patch Adams where the old lady got to swim in a pool of pasta. I love Molly.
It's the 3rd day of the year and I've already sucked two dicks. New year same ole me.
And to be fair, I think we all suspect that forbidden sex with an outlaw biker might be worth it.
So what's it like to be pregnant?
It feels like I'm hungover and when I was drunk I was kicked off a mechanical bull and then trampled.
Randomize
