thx for the lesson on dirrty dancing
Dude, I just saw a bird vs. squirrel fight. A car won.
is there anything more depressing than unpacking condoms from your suitcase that you thought you were going to use on vacation?
Just joined the godiva rewards club. Who's the fat friend now.
She was the most uninteresting drunk I've met
I didn't know there was such thing as a bad orgasm. Until him.
Want to come over? I'm getting stoned and watching Netflix and making s'mores over a candle in my room
Tomorrow, you will get a text, and it will bE spelled right, that's me yo, certify ya soon
the mexican frat downstairs started singing this mariachi song, then out of nowhere some dude busts out a trumpet and plays along. is this even real?
I was THIS CLOSE. But drunk me wanted to play those washboard abs with a spoon, like an actual washboard. Apparently that hurts, so I just squished it out at home alone.
We turned on "find my friends" and watched her progress. Got concerned when she didn't move for an hour on Adelaide, turned out a booty call was made, then she went back to the bars.
If I had a dick, I'd stick it in some Oreo pancakes
I need my daily rules like rule one don't put your dick in the vacuum cleaner
Hey, sorry for threatening to teabag your mom to death last night
Drunk purchased a negligee, plan b, keds and Himalayan salt shot glasses.. there’s only one reasonable purchase there, and we both know it’s not the sneakers
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