i'm almost done photoshopping my face on his wife. it's a done deal
She came in to my room half naked at 3am asking me if I had seen the movie balls deep 7
I just negotiated a blow job for an interview.
More likely there's a very shell-shocked cat wandering around somewhere, covered in potato peelings
After the concert, I paid a cab to drive me around the city so I could shout "dc highfive!" at everyone who passed for an hour and a half.
You're gonna die alone anyway. Even if you do meet a man, they die earlier than women. Best case, you have to deal with grieving over his death and then die alone a couple years later. Worst case, you get a terminal illness and he divorces you, leaving you to die alone anyway.
Thanks, mom.
Mym mom just came downstairs as I got ghome ans I'm trying to act SO CASUAL as i stabdh here hut icant help bur be like 'girl where's ther Turkey sandwiche s' haahaa
I literally need you to talke care of me soooo9o9oooooo drubj gril makin a sabdwiche. SO far its judst bred and paper towel...
Her vagina felt like a fur coat. It was weird at first but I kinda liked it
I'm staying in tonight, it's my Christmas present to my liver.
My dad found me naked curled up under a towel on the couch with a fucking tub of butter and a spoon. Ambien Mondays are dead
Fuck I am so excited for the first time I can make someone call me Doctor Nikki during sex after I finish my PhD
You know you went through something intense when you actuallu applaud yourself for not shitting your pants
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Did I penguin dive down a hill last night?
So you realized he wasn't actually cheating on you and now you're trying to unfuck things. Or in this case unfuck Tom.
Randomize
