i hope kanye doesn't show up to patrick swayze's funeral. " i'll let you get back to your funeral in a minute...but michael jackson had the best death of the year. just sayinnn ".
So, halfway through sex he stops and starts crying. He said he's worried god hates him for all his bad decisions...think he meant to imply I was one of them...
That reminds me...we need to get swords
and then you yelled "out of the way, i'm a lifeguard!" and everyone let us through
I ran a string through all of my old vicodin bottles and strung them on the tree. Tis the season.
He said to me this morning that we should finish these beers, go and get plan B then on the way back, go to the pub to celebrate the death of our baby. I love Manchester.
Finally considering to keep my landing strip before I have sex.. I feel like It makes me look mature.
John stretched a condom over his face and tried to puke in it.
Can I please come dance in my bra to destiny's child with you? I'll bring the wine and the glitter
If I ever go to Canada, I'm fucking the maple syrup out of his Canadian ass.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
I thought you might think I was an idiot who thought cock rings prevent STDs,
.......he just venmo charged me for the burrito I was eating while he broke up with me
Met this british guy. Played pool. Broke into an apartment and had sex
And now Google thinks I have a hard hat fetish...maybe I do...
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