New beer pong partner names "Bus Boys" ... We clear tables
I just watched a girl use a tall boy Coors as a rolling pin to make christmas cookies
The bartender let me pay my bar tab with my itunes giftcards.
Is drinking merlot and watching womens figure skating by myself gay?
We banged through her entire lady gaga playlist. I can die happy now
I vaguely remember taking a shit behind the shed before I started puking over the fence. No more Xanax.
Trick or treaters just rang our doorbell
Give them the moldy beer cans, we need to get rid of those
I can't wait for you to see these terrible photos I'm about to have taken with some stripper looking girls. I don't know what this photographer is thinking
you and him went to the park at 2am to "catch a pigeon" and ACTUALLY CAME BACK WITH A PIGEON
Last time I was your wingman I had to deal with a girl whose only interest in my body was to clip my toenails. I'm not interested.
I got laid two nights in a row
And none for Gretchen Wieners...
The assignment was about the Industrial Revolution so I just screamed at them in a British accent all day. No, they didn't know I was hungover.
Never remove your contact lenses after eating an entire bag of spicy doritos.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
I would but he’s not speaking to me because I put ketchup in his socks.
Randomize
