turns out I still hate jay leno...even at 10pm.
i just realized i've hooked up with every boy in this taco bell
That's the classiest thing you've ever said.
Easy Mac is falling out of my sweatshirt as I'm walking down the street.
I knew as soon as he opened a beer with his teeth to shotgun it that I was going to sleep with him. I'm never going home.
Thanks for not locking your door. I had to pee and there was a random person throwing up in my bathroom so I used yours. \nPS I stole your soap
Come out Saturday. It's for my lesbian daughter from the future birthday.
I'm gonna call it the Reunion Tour. Hooked up with two different ex girlfriends in one day...
Had sex with the Irish bartender in Spain. So that happened.
He didn't get laid that weekend.. and that is honestly an accomplishment for the rest of us.
I FUCKED THE WRONG FRIEND HELP ME
I also told the bartender he probably had a beautiful spleen
He gave me a box of cheez-its after sex, does that make me a hooker?
The last thing I remember is being given a cup full of absinthe and deciding I needed to wear my tool belt
You were returned to the hotel by someone wearing a priest costume and carrying knives.
I think I should've done my makeup before I took the acid. Because now I just feel silly looking at myself in the mirror
I'm in the fetal position trying to figure out a way to get someone to deliver me pancakes.
Randomize
