He took out the lube and started calling it fuck fluid
Found my smoke alarm in a ziploc in my toilet...again
You're asking the wrong person. I was drunk on nyquil and jager.
they came at us with fireworks while we were skinny dipping in her jacuzzi at 4 am...
I have now slept with people from more countries than Ive actually visited. Can we make this a game somehow? Like foreign fuck buddy bingo?
A man in denim coveralls just shotgunned a beer on the dance floor
I'll come out for a little. I can't be visibly hungover at work again or I get written up and fired. And yes, I am aware of how alcoholic that sounds.
do you think she knows her nickname is brickface?
Chasing shots with sriracha-covered mini toast was, in retrospect, not the best idea.
She's dipping the chocolate graham crackers in marshmallow vodka for a 'campfire taste'
Number of twigs I found in my hair: 5
Shits getting dirty between us in her dad's bedroom. I'm talking early millennium rap and r&b
I'd like to request an "its my birthday discount", and for you to bartend shirtless tonight ;)
Today's walk of shame includes last nights hair and make up, an 8 hour shift, me leading a meeting and me throwing up in a parking lot on my way to work. Dear world, you're welcome.
he has the ass of a greek god and he made me breakfast
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