I dreamt Michael Jackson dropped his pants in front of me and I had to ignore it.
the ugly redhead just came into the bar, wearing a sombrero...by herself... who is going to tell her that its not cool to throw themed parties when you're the only guest?
I drank like a thousand beers last night and my poo is solid, not gross like usual. I think this means I've grown up.
next person that tells me Facebook is a professional tool is getting kicked in the teeth.
we got so high we spray painted his girlfriend's UGG boots. she's CRYING. it's hysterical.
he just ordered a side of pineapple and winked at me. too much for a first date. come get me.
The prescription for my birth control just blew away in the wind on my way back from the health center. It's like god wants me to get pregnant
We're discussing which museums we should go to when we shroom. How ill would Picasso be?
He sprained his penis one time
He was "naked wrestling" and fell off the couch and landed on his erect penis
Just saw pictures of a pregnant teen from my hometown with an American flag wrapped around her naked body posted on FB without irony. These are my roots.
Dude, she's the greatest salesman alive. she convinced chelsea to buy a box of Cheerios for $20. She can find your dick some willing pussy.
If thou doesn't answer thou phone thou shall receive a barrage of Dick pics. It's the eleventh commandment.
drunk in woodshop so don't even say "I SAWWW THIS COMING." I know you're thinking it.
And I got shut down by a ginger. It was a weird night
Facebook: “Hey you fucked on a diving board, you should probably should wish him a happy birthday”
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