Just met someone from Jersey. No fist pumps or jagerbombs. Kind of disappointed...
She uses empty wine bottles as book ends. 2 on each side. At least 8 shelves.
Oh my god I'm so bored. The virgin is so disinteresting when I'm not trying to cum on her face.
I'm calling it the Friendlationship with Benefits Zone.
Why is there a muffler in the livingroom?
First, I just want to say that I had nothing to do with it. Second, how good is your car insurance?
He is what would appear if the douche troop all had rings and we summoned someone like the Captain Planet kids.
I have a third degree burn on my inner thigh from the blunt dropping on me in the car
I think "we've never met sober" is a great relationship to have with someone
How many times is too many times to use the word 'fuck' in my thesis?
I just ordered $70 worth of pizza and I'm not even ashamed. Happy Valentine's Day to me.
In retrospect, vomiting out of a moving vehicle on the third date should have been a deal breaker
Woke up this morning to a bunch of snapchats of you drunkenly yelling at grasshoppers. Good night?
Did you smoke and go to the aquarium again?
Bruh. He just said the words "cyber sex"-is it 1999?
Tonight is an "I'm lonely and single so I'm going to curl up in a warm, melatonin and vodka enriched ball in the corner of my bed with a cat." kind of night.
Randomize
