a guy named alex was hitting on my friend tonight. he doesnt work on wind turbines tho.
I showed him my bush... on skype.
He just reenacted his orgasm in front of my roommates....using a squeeze bottle of mayonnaise.
It felt like Party Santa dropped by and gave us two more 18-packs.
Remember when we used to go to the bathroom to do drugs together? Now it's to help you with your spanx.
I told her shower beers are even better when you have someone in there with you and she said she's been looking for a new drinking buddy. It's a goooooo
Don't wake me up to tell me to cook for you because you don't like taco meat.
Giving the guy pizza was a good idea. Leaving him naked on the pool table makes you my hero
So you'd go straight for a fat chick with cheese on her tits?
Yes.
he just used a semicolon in the middle of a sext
he really is such a sweet guy. it’s a shame i have to break his heart.
Please don't think I'm weird for texting you this at 12:08 am but I just found another picture on the Internet where I think you can see his dick through whatever he's wearing
He held my hair while I gave him a blow job. Now that's teamwork.
You have my heart. You only share my vagina.
Took my nervous poop earlier then expected it's gonna be a good day
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