did not feel like going to store to get condoms last night so went to her pantry and got a sandwich bag and a rubberband
did it work?
nope
how many beers do i need before it is acceptable to sleep with sam
enough that when i make fun of you for it tomorrow you wont even remember it happening
just hang any plant up and call it mistletoe.
It's like God was speaking to me through a penis.
I mean two cocks this time. Trust me, I'm not gonna pull the same stunts as last time in this situation
Apparently im getting a reputation for how i mix drinks. Im the midas of booze. Everything i touch turns to koolaid.
We shaved off his eyebrows I'm pretty sure his fiance will be thrilled at the wedding
You're the only person I know who would be upset about making out with a girl you like. You're like a drunken Charlie Brown.
The word cocktail makes me want to rip my liver out and nail it to a cross.
I think it says something about my sobriety when I don't notice a Taco Bell wrapper stuck to my ass until I'm in the shower...
I just read through our messages from yesterday and realized we both referred to me tearing my penis as a good thing. What the fuck.
The fact that I can sew my leggings while intoxicated proves I'm a functioning alcoholic
I'm more heavily invested in that tequila than you are
you gave me money for the cab and then walked home..
Did i fall last night when u carried me home.
idk
OHHH yea you fell down the stairs face first
Randomize
