I am not having having sex with guys at the moment.
I can pretend to be a girl if you want. I have a tongue.
there's just something about her that screams "i'm into chicks who wear flannel"
I wonder if you could grow some weed in a chia pet
It's 3 am and my parents just came up the driveway in a limo. They didn't leave in a limo. I'm scared to even ask.
I don't care. He smelled like a fucking chilli cookoff
Dude, all I remember was you grabbing random girls, yelling "It's a rap video!" and pouring high-life on them.
Rub those nipples and moan like a platypus.
Jesus, are you hammered?
Hammered for that juicy ass. I'll bring the straws.
What an age we live in that I can try to pick up a guy by using my phone while I'm taking a shit at work.
Yeah I went home with her... She had me take off everything but my shirt and from across the room goes, "Now dance. Just dance that dick over here"
I just almost puked & then I panicked and forced it back down because I thought I would be a waste of the apple turnover I ate.. I'm that hungover
Omg I can't even...
I started screaming "MY PARENTS ARE MORMON" at a stranger and promptly proceeded to run into a wall. How do you think it went?
2015 is the year I FINALLY ALMOST had enough dick to satisfy me.
Nothing more awkward that being butt ass naked in a guys bed and his ex wife shows up with his kid....
honestly i've never been more attracted to you than when you threw up on my floor
Found Ryan’s keys in the fridge. On my way back.
Also, tell him he missed Nathan passing out in the dryer.
Randomize
