hot mess party of 2 ur bar is now available
Update, blind date is cute and fun.
Scratch that, blind date just threw up.
this morning i woke up under the kitchen table. i went to my room and there was an inflatable whale in my bed with a banana duct taped to where its penis should be. there were trails of cheez-its around my apartment and i found $67 in the crotch of my underwear. im guessing i had a very happy birthday.
We aren't going to mix hockey and sex texts tonight.
I totally agree. all sexting is on hold till after the games over.
Playoffs. This shit is serious.
well, I suppose if I had to pick a penis to represent the american public, yours would be it
I sat alone in Buffalo Wild Wings eating chocolate cake on Country Western karoake night. The waiter asked me if I was ok. Twice.
I wouldn't necessarily say I'm in her pants...I'd say I'm more on the on ramp to the freeway to the long way to her pants. There really isn't a short cut.
I met her dad while holding 4 empty beer bottles at the opera house. I think I made a hell of an impression.
I wrote my name on his balls in sharpie. In the homosexual world that's like a diamond ring. Shits permanent.
You're doing a terrible job of letting me hook up with girls vicariously through you.
Got stuck at my fwb place for three days because I decided sex was more important than my safety in the weather. Worth it.
I got the security footage. Thank you boobies!
I got all the way to work before I realized there were Trojans in my bra.
You spent twenty minutes waxing poetic about her ass and her thighs
My life is far to together for someone who's such a hot mess inside
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