I think I just was a dick to Paul Rudd.
I often get tempted to walk up to her drunk ass and say, "shouldn't you be taking care of your kid?"
we boned then he told me that he had a thing for my gay roommate. worst night ever
I've slowly been stuffing french fries down his pants. I'm at 31 and he hasn't even noticed.
not the best booty call
did she squirt?
only if tears count
The only image of you you know is from reflections or pictures. Its 2d. But what other people see is 3d. How do you know that's your real face! MIND.BLOWN.
So instead of asking me for my number, he asked for my dad's because he wanted to "thank the man that helped create those tits."
Me and him getting it in is for special occasions only. Like Christmas and when they bring the McRib back.
I actually want to work out for some reason... I think it's my brains way of telling me it doesn't like living in a fat body.
I'm not taking advice from anyone I've seen passed out naked at noon on the hood of a strangers car. Meaning you.
I was too hungover to read the menu. I literally pointed at a picture of an advertisement and handed the cashier my card
The lowest point of my life has been reached. I just drank half a jar of pasta sauce.
man fuck you i am a delight. you're the one who fucking set his tree on fire while high
I think he fucked my hip out of place.
Next time you decide to post pictures of yourself in your underwear on facebook, please don't tag me as your bulge.. My mom spent 10 minutes looking for me in that picture. I had to tell her I was hiding.
Randomize
