my last 3 google searches were anal itchy vagina and ice cubes
i just woke up naked on my porch, holding the neighbors cat in my arms.
on the way to work, i saw an empty wine bottle sitting in the middle of an intersection. i thought of you.
i can respect that.
He then proceeded to tell me about his enlarged lymph nodes, his"severe" case of blue balls.
I need you to help me convince Steph that she will like Tequila if she would chase it with A-1
Just me. You're probably having sex with her right now, so here's a reminder that you should be thinking of me per our agreement.
I'm not wearing a bra, watching Netflix and eating gushers. I don't know a better way to spend a hangover.
I planned on emotionally scarring him for life this weekend. DAMN YOU PERIOD!
I showed up to a booty-call in my onesie pajamas and rubber boots
Just got discharged from the hospital after getting my finger stitched back together don't you dare say you had a worse night than me
Inebriation Olympics: Team Drunk vs Team Stoned. This weekend. It's on.
I just saw a girl drinking wine and walking her dog in footie pajamas and a mad hatter hat. First day of the new year and I think I'm in love.
I feel like you should put up a missed connections ad for this..
The groom's brother was an accomplishment. Then I remembered he was also the officiant. Check and check.
Left my wallet at the store. Wouldn't have noticed if the joint I just rolled wasn't in it.
Holy shit he’s stupid hot! If you don’t hurry up and make a move my ovaries are going to march over there and introduce themselves
Randomize
