I'll pay for our taxi if you let me makeout with the drummer and we don't leave RIGHT when the bassist does.
Rescue me. My white trash great uncle just pulled out his belly at the restaurant to show us how big this woman's tit was
The worst thing about having a parent with a prius is that they can walk in on you without any warning
just apologized to a random stranger while waiting in line for coffee. last night was that drunk
When i asked him what happened all he said was, the toucan... the toucan... over and over again.
Just seeing my phone say "picture message from: Senor Floppy Cock", i knew it was going to make me smile.
I don't know what he sees in her. All I see are horrible pancake nipples
There are not enough shots in the world for this. We walked in and they shouted "the pilgrims are here!" And then someone handed me a turkey leg the size of my arm.
So that'd what fifty dollars of chicken at 7/11 looks like. Made it to work on time. Puked twice. BOOM.
I was wondering why he was in my phone as "Cat Guy", he seemed pretty normal. Then when we woke up he was wearing a shirt with a picture of his cat on it. The name stays.
Last night, I listened to Aladdin on my ipod while I stole bread and cheese from Wal-Mart. I feel like you're the only one who'd be proud of me.
I can't hang out tomorrow. A boy wants to feed me ice cream and touch my boobs. Priorities.
I'm on the couch watching HGTV googling giant boob Halloween costumes so life is swell
Hey. It's Michael. The guy that had his tongue in your mouth last night. Just wanted to check in with you.
Pretty sure we're going to get a cease & desist notice from the Make A Wish Foundation, but until then...
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