oh my god. my mom just found my pipe. she thought it was a dildo.
like i said, there should be a sitcom about your family.
I woke up alone at my apt. On the floor with the door wide open, but still. Success.
I got him a footlong to apologize for trying to push him off a balcony...
No, I left myself a half eaten cucumber and a beer next to my head, pointed at it and said 'you're breakfast' and then passed out.
Close. The correct answer is shitting in a public toilet. We also would have accepted the pit of despair.
He's drinking 50/50 vodka/water out of a camelback. Disaster would be a compliment at this point.
By the way, I'm pretty sure your husband is publicly advocating more BJs for my husband, via Facebook.
Well sorry I accidentally spooned your mom and possibly threw up on you
I woke up at 4 am. Literally pissed. No idea what happened. I could have fucked a cow.
Wanna smoke some ancient weed I just found in a box of cake mix?
After the clumsiest day of my life I think it's safe to say my dream of being a ninja is dead. Memorial service with a glass of wine at 8pm
No don't worry! What are obnoxious, alcoholic, slut roommates for if not for uplifting words and tales of my folly?!
The homeless woman that called me a "dirty looking cunt" the other day, was standing outside Starbucks today with a sign that said "Jesus loves you."
I just got a free round of shots. Don't you DARE fuckin tell me that A-cup boobs can't get you good things.
I've seen your dick too many times for both of us to be straight.
Randomize
