He's on drugs...like drugs for horses.
I don't know whether I should be pissed that there's glitter in my bed or proud that there's semen in there too.
Literally just stood in the shower and forgot what to do. that hungover.
The dog just did a longer kegstand than anyone at the party
They don't exactly give out small business loans to start-up dealers
On the way home she put on a necklace with her name on it and wrote my name in sharpie across my chest so that in the morning we could avoid the awkward Idk who the fuck you are conversation. Best. Girl. Ever.
I just accidentally hit share on pornhub... Probably the scariest moment of my life
I told him I wanted to "ride him like a show pony" I think he gets the picture
i know it looks like there's pee in the mayo jar in the fridge but i promise it's just apple juice that wouldn't fit in the jug after i added the booze.
I bet your mom's never met a girl who's thrown up at the presidential inauguration before though.
I'm in the recliner and i have a bottle of wine wedged in my cleavage, drinking from a straw. Clever and classy or pathetic and sloppy?
Yea she is hot. But she also had no toothpaste in her entire apartment.
Lol, perhaps. But the drinks are so cheap, the music is better, and the bartenders and bouncers all know my name. I can't abandon it, even if it is a gay bar, its still my Nirvana.
you asked if you could borrow my vagina for the night
People don't believe me when I say the bruises are from work. They just smile and say "right." Trust me, I WISH my sex life was that exciting.
Randomize
