Just got booted from water taxi for showing my balls to a security guard.
If I say "It's good enough" and I'm not talking about a sandwhich, that's your queue to stop me, you're supposed to be my friend.
doctor said mango vodka does not count as my daily servings of fruit. damn.
I am full of burrito and curiosity
I wish I could donate my sober boners to my whiskey dick
I am a terrible person. This is almost as bad as when I was going to see my ex while my boyfriend was at that funeral.
24 hours later and my vagina is still tingling. That good.
THEY ARE MY AGE. THEY ARE YOUR LITTLE SISTER'S AGE THIS IS A DELICATE MATTER. CAPS LOCK
I said you have to fuck the german guy and take one for the team...it's a once in a lifetime opportunity you know.
You told the cashier at McDonald's not to smell the ones cause you had just got back from the strip club. Good deed.
I just made a flawless coverstory for why I dont have my car and why I left the party on foot. #adultererskills
The girl in line in front of me at the grocery store is buying wine, m&m minis, a toothbrush, and condoms. Is it inappropriate to high-five her?
You'll love it there. Trust me. Cheap tequila, pretentious beer, tall white guys who will treat you badly. Its got everything you like.
Bug bite on my vagina. I think we need to stop this 'sex in awesome places campaign.'
Dude, she was there with her husband and I was there with my wife. Of course we banged in the bathroom.
Randomize
