my best friend tried to rape me with a pineapple
Hello, balls-out mistake. It's been a while.
i wish my apartment had room service that i didn't have to pay for.
She's mad at me cuz I told her having a fuck buddy was too much commitment.
Their bromance is so intense that they don't even eye-fuck when they see each other....they eye-make-love.
At home depot. Final room inspection is tmrow, gotta paint over the puke stains
Trying to convince my mother to let me take some of my sisters Lortab to sell is not going well
I'm not considering your visit a success until we've fucked every cock in the ethnic rainbow...between the four of us we should have it done by x-mas
On Tinder, guy asked me if I had ever been fucked by a Pokemon master. Needless to say I didn't respond.
Considering who their parents are, maybe you should use vodka for the baptism.
CUM CAME OUT OF MY NOSE. MY SINUSES ARE ENTIRELY FUCKED UP NOW BC OF THE CUM TRAVELING IN PLACES IT SHOULD NOT HAVE.
WHY DID YOU INVITE ALEX?!?
Because she offered to bring a keg.
And also because you fucked her in an alley last week and I'm trying to be a good friend.
You were so drunk you told some dude your life story in one short sentence... and kissed his fiancé. You're invited to the wedding.
So my ex just asked for my address to send me his wedding invitation... in Europe. Awesome.
That’s basically a green light to fuck his dad
they gave me money. the money smells like weed. also they gave me weed
Randomize
