I'm at an open mic night and the next act is called 'the best creed cover band ever.' The guy i recently hooked up with is on bass.
We just stood on the porch wondering how you managed to puke up a whole piece of bologna
First order of business is dropping my 9 am gym class. I'm sweating pure vodka.
You don't know the meaning of what the fuck until you wake up naked and alone in someone's bed staring at a dead squirrel on their dresser.
Do you need a place to sleep? Cause I fucked in the guestroom a few weeks ago and never washed the sheets. But if you don't care neither do I.
So can we talk about how we all three made out with the bike taxi driver in lieu of paying him. I'm not even mad, that's resourceful. You know what married girls would have had to do? They'd have had to pay.
u girls! girls! girls! have fun please don't hook up w/ a roadie! Love, mom
If taco bell and midol can't fix her, she's in gods hands now.
I wore a firefighters hat and drank beer all night. They had to drive me home after breaking the beer pong table, they told me I was welcome back tonight though...
omg i just made best friends with a deer. Im like the drunk santa clause.
Last night we got home from the bar and saw a fox outside and we lured it in the house with a piece of cheese. Just wanted to party with some potentially dangerous wildlife I guess.
He snorted adderall on my table. I have a feeling he's not trying to buy me flowers
After we finished having sex, he drunkenly tried to hugh five me, farted, then accused me of stealing his socks.
i just want to die with dignity and clean teeth, is that too much to ask?
Can't. Way too high. Forgot how to operate doors. Stuck outside.Come get me.
Randomize
