He was legit dry humping me to the sportscenter theme song, awkward i think SO.
how the hell did we fit 12 drunk lesbians in your car?! I felt like we were playing lesbian tetris last night.
How the hell am I supposed to know what lotion to get her? They should have a dressing booth where I could go test how good it is for jerking off, then I'd know.
At what point did we agree that playing bocchi ball on the way to the liquor store was a good idea?
The idea of snorting emergen-c actually just crossed my mind.
Biggest penis I've ever pity fucked
I want to buy her liposuction. And a spot on What Not To Wear. And a face transplant.
Maybe it's because I walked straight up to that shelf of vodka with a look of determination that said "I mean business".
I usually have to have a cart! If that doesn't say "I mean business" then I don't know what does
When I wake up, please remind me why my shoe is in the toilet, my shower is filled with jello, and there is a naked girl sleeping on my coffee table holding a bag of Cheetos. that is all.
It's a lube slip n slide down the hallway now. Details later.
I'm developing all these feelings it's disgusting.
Right now I'm drinking out of a gallon water jug & eating a baconator. If you're feeling down, just remember you could be me.
I'm not kidding, he literally jumped in the red panda exhibit. I knew this was gonna be a good birthday.
I have blood and BBQ sauce all over my shirt. I blame you for the blood.
Getting a smaller wine glass hasn’t changed the amount I drink—it just means I get more steps each day. Cheers to health!
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