I'll write directions out on a napkin and slip it to him. Then say P.S. The UTI is gone.... that's not creepy at all right?
There are bud lights poping out of the zipper of my overnight bag and my dildo almost fell out in the elevator. not professional
When I try to close my eyes ibwant to puke. Going to the basement to watch pocohantas. That'll keep myeyes open. And puke free.
I just feel like I should give it a rest. I'm too old to be drinking bottles of grey goose and falling into koi ponds.
I mean it's not my fault he had a floor mat that read "put out or get out". What was I supposed to do?
You yelled "hold my dick" before you tackled the guy away from the dj and two random girls moved to actually hold it, then argued about it. I want that whore aura!
I wish my head, heart, dick, and nose could just agree on something for once
I think my hookup is starting to fall for me. Time to break his heart.
I CRIED after phone sex. Am I gay?
While leaving the bar with another guy I told the bouncer I was sad his friend had a fiancee
You were drinking Everclear weren't you?
Ok let me just clear up this blowjob thing first so we can talk about your grandpa
I need to stop getting high and watching documentaries. Wanna go to Japan with me and protest the mass genocide of dolphins?
I spent two entire hours explaining to a guy why I wouldn't make out with him. How was your night?
They both showed up at the same time... to surprise me. One had flowers and the other had chocolates. Needless to say, I will be at the bar all weekend long trying to figure out how this happens.
So I missed the eclipse because I was masturbating.
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