Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
dpoing straight shots of jhameson. boys are imp ressed. i apologize
I took your shirt off for you after you threw up on yourself, read you the ugly duckling, and then tucked you in. you better fucking love me, jackass.
Did they have a limo or was i just stoned?
WHY AM I BEING COCKBLOCKED BY A KID PLAYING HAVA NAGILA ON THE SAXAPHONE
She peed in the limo. She stood up and pulled up her dress and peed on the floor of the limo.
$100 bras are my way of telling my boobs that I love and appreciate them, and all the metaphorical doors they have opened for me.
Because of his penis, I can't even look at a hot dog
Who showers for four hours?!
It was like a tropical nap.
Happy birthday, you long dick monster
Things I Learned Tonight: I have no future in goat wrangling. Herding. Whatever you call the ridiculosity that just transpired.
It's a good thing my liver is flexible because a lesser man would be dead
Some rando guy literally just put my shoes on and tied them for me because I'm drunk... Is this what it feels like to be a princess?
I told him I wanted to fuck him and he hasn't texted me back in 4 days...am I missing something
oh, he’s out of jail btw. as of about 6pm. one of his customers bonded him out apparently lol
Like he really got a coke fiend to bond him out?
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