Sometimes when I whip my dick out it looks REAL impressive. This, was NOT one of those times.
she must wash her vagina with a dirtier vagina
not sure what i find more disconcerting, your text or the fact that i recognized that as a dane cook quote
I'm drinking while I write this paper. When I can't see the screen anymore I'm gonna come out
Just ate lunch with a paperclip again. Seriously, need to invest in plastic forks.
Im sending over a girl who thinks youre in the next twilight movie
your the best winggirl ever
I'm about to enter vancouver's biggest liquor store. I feel like I should sent you a "wish you were here" postcard.
I just got my inseam measured in raffle tickets by a drag queen. Being fondled for charity is awesome.
You should've stopped drinking when you started asking people for bites of tequila.
My brother just woke up to see me on te couch dipping hamburger buns into pizza sauce. I'm beginning to question the life choices that led to this moment.
he suggested we do it doggy style cuz it was his dead dogs birthday...i had to do it
How sad is it that I'm looking in the farm & garden section of craigslist to find a weed dealer. I mean, that's where they'd be right? Just gotta break the code.
Ugh I hate you, and the responsible adult life I pretend to have during daylight hours
I dreamt of sea otters and your boobs. My two favorite things.
What the fuck happened last night.... I woke up with a bowl half full of ravioli next to my head, reversed on my bed still fully clothed.....
You ran the halls of the dorm naked handing out condoms. You were the sex fairy. Best you can do if you're not getting laid.
Randomize
