He's gotten way too comfortable around me. He came into the bathroom and took a shit while I was in the shower.
I tried to go shot for shot with some guy called "shit show martinez"
just smoked a blunt while listening to nsync. i now know what my childhood was missing.
can't wait for January to be Over so I don't have to see all the fat resolutionists working out.
Clearly, I'm already going to hell, so there's no point in trying anymore.
I like to melt taper candles in my wine bottles the next day, it makes my drinking trophies more classy, and makes me look like less of an alcoholic.
I woke him up this morning and said I have a meeting w my advisor in an hour you need to wake up, cum on my face, and take me to my car.
Nothing says 'good morning' like waking up only to realize this chick was watching you sleep. She's crazy
You need a Jiminy Cricket, but for sexual decisions.
I masterbated to the rocky theme song. I'm pretty sure that just beat any sex experience I've ever had.
He hasn't responded in 6 hours and the last thing he sent me was a picture of 7 grams of coke. I'm getting kinda worried
I'll be the Broncos and you be the Seahawks and you can pound the shit out of me.
I just hip-checked Santa and stole his cab.
We moved the bed and she found my vibrator. The entire ride home was a montage of her singing "Are You Lonesome Tonight"
I apparently sent an offer letter to, and then subsequently onboarded, the wrong candidate. How's your Monday?
Randomize
