I just came so hard I farted. Twice. Thank God I'm alone.
pube in her braces AGAIN. barely kept a straight face.
idk, i just don't think periods are something you can catch in a little cup.
I found your twin in sf. His name is ryan. And you are the evil one.
doesn't matter. i just recorded the power rangers theme song on my phone. and its loud. was thinking we could use it as our entrance song as we walk into bars.
I'm at McDonalds and when I walked up to the register the guy said "I'm so sorry." Before I said a word. That's how bad my hangover is.
Im sitting alone watching titanic. Drunk. Without pants. Holding a fishing pole. Im pretty sure im okay with all of this.
I HAVE A BLACK EYE FROM A DILDO!! IM GETTING MARRIED TOMORROW! THIS IS NOT A MISSUNDERSTANDING!
Naw, the sex dungeon had to come down so we could build a nursery. Cause and effect really.
Dude are you wearing a trashbag right now?....
I seemed to have misplaced my pants...
I threw up in a Buffalo Wild Wings and then got a high-five. I really don't understand America
Oh my fucking god how fucking embarrassing never again will I mix drugs at a family barbecue
Dont even get me started. you fell asleep in my kitchen after being cockblocked when you tried to use my roommates bedroom.
Also: that bruise on my leg where you left like 3 sets of teeth marks keeps getting run into the corners of desks and shit. And I can't even complain to anyone at work
I'm really sorry I called you a "smug, arrogant, boyfriend-fucking piece of defecation". I was super drunk.
I was going to be mad, but then I remembered you don't use autocorrect and spelled everything correctly and I was kinda impressed.
Randomize
