You were in the corner dancing by yourself yelling "I look good", when really you looked ridiculous and drunk
At dinner I grabbed his hand and he screamed "mom she just grabbed my penis" the proceeded to shove my hand down his pants! Hello Mr.Dick!
You were making dinosaur noises while jerking me off..
If it makes you feel any better, i gave her boyfriend a blowjob last week.
today's workout consisted of me putting my fake in my sports bra and running to the liquor store.
I told him I was very thankful for what his country has done to my vagina and walked away.
When was the last time you made a good decision when you could've made a shitty one
I had a salad today
Screwed a girl without a condom but hey at least you got your veggies
If we don't have crazy animal sex tonight at least twice, I'll know he's cheating on me.
Who wouldn't want crazy animal sex with you?!
A cheater.
If you get that boat I will recruit some boat hoes for you and tape a video and sync it to I'm On A Boat. This is happening.
When your hungover saltines taste like hope...
Should we go get some celebratory "I'm not pregnant" tacos?
I gave him a bj as a thank you for helping. I think that's good.
STOP FUCKING TELLING PEOPLE ABOUT THAT TIME THAT GUY CAME ON MY FACE WHILE I WAS ASLEEP!!!
they call themselves the foursome.. thats def means they're up for one right?
Drunk on wine at my parents house watching "RugRats In Paris". Comeatmeadulthood.
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