There was a fist fight in my basement last night at four in the morning, in case you were wondering
she looks like someone took a bunch of spare parts and glued them all on one face. it's quite horrifying.
Don't bite the hand that gives you multiple orgasms
My Adderall prescription says to take my recommended dose and throw away any leftover pills. Why don't more prescriptions come with jokes like this?
He kept insisting that I was going to have an orgasm but it just felt like he was rubbing sand paper on my vagina
Remember that time we became friends because I shotgunned a Tall Boy in your bathroom?
Those memories are both hazy and awesome.
then you said,"Take this damn cabbage!" although it was actually your shirt. i found you in the elevator of his building.
Somehow ed fucked carrie while purposely not saying a single word to her all night. He just nodded and smiled.
Would it have been easier if he talked to her?
Yeah, but i bet him he couldn't do it. Now he gets a free taco bell combo of his choosing.
While all the other girls were trying to out skut the next, Cameron was just doing cartwheels around the bar. I think she's the only one who got laid.
You were so drunk last night you left the bar to go buy a razor so you could go home with him
had a dream that i inhaled my pet bird and started choking. Then I tried smoking from a bong and suddenly I smoked myself inside out. this is what happens when I don't smoke weed. my brain can't function!
I'm gonna snort this pill I found on the ground cause that's how classy I am. Watch football and eat Beef jerky. Domesticated at its finest.
She's walking to the bar while holding a fifth of fireball, talking on the phone and puking like its nothing out of the ordinary
I just had to explain why I ate a whole quart of mac and cheese before 8am. Not a good start to the day
it wasnt weird until his dog watched upclose as i put a tampon in
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