I just masturbated at work. Does that make me a prostitute since i just technically got paid to have sex?
Now that the fun of having an iPhone has worn off I find that using screen as a coke tray is by far my favorite app
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I Know I'm the drunk girl in the trunk right now, BUT PLEASE LISTEN TO ME!
Btw after this weekend the chipndales costume has a 125% success rate.
Why have her stay eight hours when I only last eight minutes?
The bachelorette party was all fun and games until the strippers came. AKA you guys.
I apologize for chief "dances with dolphins" sucking on your friends foot
The Angel on my shoulder is now resorting to merely reminding me that, "You will regret this later." I'm not sure if he's learning how I think or just giving up. Either way, should make life a bit more interesting.
I swear man, you fly across the country to give a boy your virginity and he suddenly thinks you like him
Ever wonder what all the drugs you've ever done would look like put together?
Heaven. . It would look like heaven
Id prob hit it, but i instagram edited her picture to make her look better. Ha. She should fuck me just for that.
in a meeting in my bathtub while predrinkin for tonight. technology.
We need to borrow someone's dog. Just so we can non-creepily go to PetSmart and watch all the other dogs take photos with Santa
So I remember having an orgasm, but I didn't wake up next to anyone. Your dog is afraid of me. Is this a sick joke?
Give me like 5, I have to feed a moose and find my pants.
Randomize
