Sex don't cost a thang now that you can buy trojans with meal points.
I'm drinking ghetto ass mojitos!
Wow. How can mojitos be ghetto?
Squirt + bacardi limon + limes = ghetto mojitos
There's a woman at Starbucks that keeps pushing her stroller into me.
Punch her baby.
new call of duty comes out in november. guess im not passing my finals
I had to use the resin knife to take the staples out of my tax return forms. Tax returns and a search warrant?
I just masterbated while imagining him getting hit by a truck. I have hit a completely unacceptable level of anger & bitterness. Help.
Is there a card that says "Sorry I got drunk at your Christmas party and tried to steal your monogrammed hand towels so that I could give you something nice for Christmas"?
Can we agree to not tell mom about this?
This isnt even the most disappointing thing i know about you.
is there a reason blood came out of my hair in the shower?
head injury at diner. you headbutted the wall a few times because it got in your way
You better be Eskimo Brother-ing the FUCK out of tonight right now. Long distance 'balls deep' high five
Professor just informed us that she can't come to class today because her daughter broke her glasses and she can not see where she is going. Am I still drunk from this weekend?
Guys, Black Friday does not exist in the world of dealing. Stop texting me asking what my deals are.
we gave you a glass of water and you just started yelling: TWO STRAWS, PATS AN ENGINEER HE'LL FIGURE IT OUT
Well yeah connect the two together, then you can lay down and drink.
Building a door into the garage so when I bring girls home my mom doesn't wake up.
Pathetic yet considerate
Good morning! Spongebob is on channel 257 when you wake up. Help yourself to breakfast. You were great last night. See you when I get back.
Randomize
