Just got arrested at PF changs. Happy New year, China
There's a lady carrying her kids toy animals in a crown royal bag. Mom of the year.
Dude dan is so baked he taped his remote to the futon so he couldn't lose it again. Come over here
Professor took us out for drinks. She said if I ordered the 64oz "Call a Cab," she'd give me an A. I drank it in 5 minutes. A+?
Great. My funeral dress now smells of smoke and disappointing sex.
Go to petsmart and tell me if the dog trainer is the guy I slept with friday. Thanks.
Come over we're drinking with orange soda as a chaser to honor 90s nick kenan and kel.
For once I want to have sex without having to google the after effects of it.
we broke up because he couldn't handle the fact that i've slept with more girls than he has. also, i've slept with the girl he's seeing now.
Of course I have to cross through a walk for hunger
Why is there a traffic cone in the shower? And did you wash it with my body wash? It smells nice.
I'm watching Part of Your World now and I'm crying and I feel like I'm floating right along with her. This. This right here is some drunken Disney Magic
Someone needs to lock me in a chastity belt because all my vagina does is get me into trouble. Fuck.
He said we had an hour long conversation about how awesome I was.
I'm sitting in the hospital with him while he's still half drunk with a busted leg because he thought he could do parkour off a rock
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