Dude ! Why is there vomit with whole pieces of sushi in the shower when the toilet is not more than 2 feet away ? btw you need to chew your food better,
Too much gin, very little bucket
This is how we made chicken soup last night: Whole chicken in a pot of vodka with a box of crackers and some carrots. We should go pro.
Now he's trying to use the tornado warnings as an excuse to get head. Yeah, b/c THAT'S the last taste I want in my mouth b4 I die...
You know you need to hit the gym when you're not strong enough to get the cork outta the wine bottle. And you know you're a drunk when that's the only motivation to do exercises
shit went down at the bar when this girl with 'morals' totally cock blocked a married guy. she actually kicked IN the bathroom door when they were fucking in there. then we all did shots.
Let's be honest, your relationships fail because the man you're looking for is the equivalent of an intellectual blow-up doll.
I'm hoping that by this time next year we will be smoking some weed at a gay wedding, asking "Mitt who?"
1. My arms are cement 2. I wish dogs could answer the phone
You can't just snapchat me a picture of a pregnancy test and then not answer your phone
i tried to break up pigeon sex because one looked too young to consent. fireball feminism ftw
Her mom came in and passed out drunk on the floor next to us while she was riding me, "it's all good, she does this all the time" is what she said
Idk what's happening right now but im wearing a tutu and pissed as fuck.
Wow this just keeps getting better, weed, shrooms, a stripper..........a gun.
so idk what that means but now because of me he has a police file as breaking into my apartment and sleeping in my hallway under the carpet
Randomize
