after you took your Demerol you started flying around and talking like the robot ship on the movie Stealth. then you licked my iPhone and declared the mission a success.
a small fire erupted but we put it out with a can of beer so everything's fine
Okay good. And who the fuck put a condom on my foot. That shit hurt
I was freaked out. No man over 50 is allowed to touch me. Ever. Unless you're Michael Bolton. Then please do.
the only good thing about breaking up with him while naked was that i got to make a forgetting sarah marshall reference
At least he's enough of a gentleman to not make me do the walk of shame dressed as Santa.
He just invited me over to bang on a sunday afternoon. If I can make it top the time I went to a strip club on fathers day then I'll consider it a success.
She followed me back, then proceeded to find my room, get her panda suit on? And then raid my room and pass out on my couch... what the fack do I do now?!?!
I have fuck me eyes 4/5 people agree. It's like doctors or dentists but with ppl who have lots of sex and know these things.
Although a guy bought me a shot of fireball last wknd and I told him he wouldn't even get half a handjob for that and walked away so don't tell me I don't have standards
Hopefully this dress says "let me rent your house" and not "let me suck your dick for money"
I woke up naked with my work shoes on
The CEO is on this whole 'what do you do with your spare time?' kick. Umm... get drunk and have sex in bar parking lots.
Welp, just took a tab of acid and cracked one of three bottles of champagne... Mondays ¯\\_(ツ)_/¯
You told your boyfriend he needed to fuck you in the tree because it would make you guys one with nature.
Did he?
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