I am watching Grease 2 and properly learning how to apply a condom to a banana. This is a sign from God that this is the closest I will ever get to having the need for one.
Not gonna happen. She just told me she puts glitter over the mole on her nose to make it look like a piercing.
The lady at the touchless car wash just gave me the look of death. How do I say, "sorry it's not my puke" in Spanish?
i was getting a blow-job tonight in the mens bathroom of a bar and the bouncer comes in and says "bro i don't mean to cock block but you cant do that here."
I think whatever his name is just puked on the stairs. Just an fyi for the morning. Love you.
Everyone is sleeping and i'm sittin here in my iron man mask, watchin chelsea lately and tryin to figure out how to smoke through it.
we came up with a wnba drinking game. take a shot every play that you could've done better. won't make it through 1st quartar
After he finished his girlfriend called him. I sat there, tied his shoes for him, then he high fived me and said "this is gonna be a great summer steph"
damn. i can't believe how fast that went from 0 to lesbian
P.s. remind me to tell you about the porno that Paul envisioned starring you. It's wizard of oz themed.
Is it festive if I masturbate to Santa porn?
I think Jabba the Hut is dying in the stall next to me.
A surplus of mistakes were made and I don't know what 89% of them were.
I just want somewhere where I can sit down, without changing my clothes, that will serve me breakfast food and booze. Is that too much to ask?
Wine. Check.\nDino chicken nuggets. Check.\n#IssaParty
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