The good thing about walking home in a dress on sunday morning is that people mistake my walk of shame as a walk to God.
the theme of the baby shower is Nightmare On Prego Street
once you get past the part where you think youre gonna die, its the most amazing drug ive ever experienced.
My mom just set up beer pong in the dining room for family game night. and you ask why I'm still living at home.
he might be the rich husband I pretend to love for the rest of my life!!!!
Also one of my neighbors is blasting "pumped up kicks" and possibly butchering some chickens
I got whiskey, so I think the blizzard and I are at an even match
I have a theory that years from now they will be with women who despise me because of what I trained their husbands to like.
At one point we were both in the bathroom and i was taking a shit while holding your hair as you puked in the sink. Friendship.
I'm just sitting here drunk and eating peas because my life sucks
Trump won PA by a fucking landslide. If only Cruz hadn't eaten that booger.
I told him I want him to read me my Miranda rights while he's fucking me. Act exactly like he does while he's on duty except with his dick out.
You drunkenly told one of the campus security guards that you liked his headset. In return he introduced himself, lit your cig, and told us that if anyone was giving us shit to call and ask for him... Best campus security ever.
I was pretty sure he wouldn't be into me after I fucked his brother, and then his best friend, and yet, here I am doing lines off his stomach
I just made myself 3 peanut butter sammies because I was too hungry to watch porn
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