i dont know whats so great about being respectable.
i really thought "pants-shitting drunk" was an unreachable level until last night
At what point in time did you think it was ok to jizz in my hair while I slept??
Around the time you told me my brothers dick was bigger.
I can't wait to find out the true size of his penis! Please maintain enough sobriety for an accurate report.
Starting drinking whiskey at eight. Already had ten girls looking up my kilt to make sure I'm wearing it right.
you act like breakfast cereal isnt an entirely appropriate chaser
The fire alarm went off at 3 am in the freshmen dorm. So guess which junior everyone now knows is hooking up with a freshman? This girl...
My way of showing team usa support, bronze: handy silver: bj gold: home run. God, I'm patriotic
Hello Officers/Paramedics, judging by last night, my friend is dead. The money in his pockets is mine, he owed me. Please send me directions to whichever morgue/strip club for pick up.
I think if wine wasn't a thing I'd give up on life.
How early is too early to study with margaritas?
Fuck you and your widespread penis snapchat
How likely is it that we can see each other tomorrow night? I want to shave my legs in good faith but it's cold outside and my bathroom is drafty.
I'm covered in bite marks and have a cracked rib - was a good weekend
I'm smoking and watching the Muppets Treasure Island. Where are you?
Something about that statement reminds me just how much of a role model you are, sis.
Randomize
