Why are you ignoring all of my texts?
The power was out.
I think I might.. possibly.. like a Justin Bieber song.
I think you might... possibly... have sprouted a vagina.
Just snuck alcohol into the hospital for my mom.
Today was my first day of hebrew and I learned how to say give me sex... I think I can quit now
Isn't it statistically impossible for THAT many ugly people to be in one place at one time?
i should teach a seminar on how to fall off the wagon
Also, the drinking age in Japan is 20. At what point in the sky am I allowed to start downing alcohol?
You can't buy drugs with a ziplock bag full of quarters, chuck-e-cheese coins, and a starbucks giftcard.
watch me
if creating a fake 8 year old brother, who lives with me and has had mono for the past month, to explain why I have ignored my group project members is wrong, then I... well then I'm probably going to hell
Ahh you know it's going to be a long day when you mistake a beer for a sprite at 10:30 in the morning while babysitting
You were supposed to be my wingman and all you kept to her friend was "kill it with fire"..
Our Tuesday night drunk Irish step dancing was on point tonight.
Also not to brag but I got high last night and got us a host family in a chateau in the south of France
She couldn't understand why my walking in on her 70 year old parents ruined any chance of a boner for at least an hour. I think she's too slow for me to fornicate with.
You left me a really long voicemail saying, "Hey, it's meeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeeee." and then the rest is just loud laughter
Randomize
