It's a sad day when you have to slightly move your fupa to shave.
i wanted to be an indian when i was a child. apparently you cannot grow up to be an indian.
I vaguely remember telling people they were not trash cans
Wait wait wait. I remember riding in her car to the next bar. On your lap. With my head on the dashboard. That probably should have been my cut off point.
He tried to give me a shoulder massage while i peed in the neighbors bushes to "make it more relaxing."... I let him... That drunk
The highlight of your blackout was when you drunk showered with the garden hose and emailed your boss your vacation requests for the next year.
It feels like eating ice cream while riding a unicorn over a rainbow waterfall made of glitter.
That is possibly the gayest thing that was ever thought of by anyone anywhere.
Just watched a guy ride a bike off his roof into his pool. On my way to the liquor store, picking you up in 20
I really feel like I should slow down on the getting hammered. I told a bartender on "Taco Tuesday" that a $3 margarita was too expensive. And proceeded to have a $70 tab.
I was gonna make a strong case for you to be my midnight kiss, but poptarts sound good too
So I said "fuck it" and made myself a sandwich
A girl showed up in my tinder and I have it set to only men... I super liked her because I need a lesbian experience
I passed out in your bed last night...there maybe a snickers and twix bar under your pillow
I'm not gonna lie. I need sex like plants need water right now. I just need the dick.
Also—I just realized that your wedding gift is still on my dining room table. So...as awful as I am for not yet sending it (and I still need your address), at least I didn’t bring my screaming children to potentially the most important day of your life?
Randomize