When I'm drunk and can't pee, I sing my abc's in my head and try to pee before I get to pee. Last night I forgot to do it in my head
My vagina is in bus station locker number 1465.You can go talk to it if u like -in the mean time I’m going 2show up drunk and embarrass u at work.
Considering he believes im part of the 2016 us curling team id say hes pretty drunk
At a St Pats house party. Just raised $110 for two short chicks to crawl into a dog cage together. Video forthcoming. Respect.
The second I saw you stumbling down the stairs in a princess crown, I knew I had a friend for life.
guy in front of me at the pharmacy just asked the pharmacist for 2 Plan B's and replied with, "If your wondering, then yes I did have a threesome. It was amazing".
Well, that now makes it the 4th girlfriend in a row to cheat on me. I don't even care anymore...I'll date a prostitute and not even worry.
His grandpa picked him up. Brought him to the house. And made him clean the puke off the driveway with a broom and a bucket of water.
I wonder how he feels knowing that he's the one who turned me gay
Sometimes I have to make sure these messages are going to you and I'm not about to give someone in my phone book a heart attack.
I don't care what you say, the fact that he's a drag queen with the same shoe size as me is reason enough to date him
The only difference between us and a pack of 14 year old girls is substance abuse
You sent me a picture of curly fries with no explanation attached. This is the first time you've texted me in 2 months.
I think the biggest problem with being overhigh is when the kitchen was on fire and I was pointing and laughing and eating rootbeer oreos like it was fucking Ozzfest 2000
LET ME HAVE MY JUDGMENT OF OTHER PEOPLE
Randomize
