Great, now everyone thinks I've had giraffe semen in me
we sang "a whole new world" together. either he's my gay best friend or the love of my life.
and then he said "my sister has the same underwear!" please come get me.
and then he said he has been waiting since high school to touch my boobs
I tried carrying you from the bathroom to your bed and you begged me to bring the toilet too
Somehow I magically turned down a threesome last night. On my birthday. You're a horrible wingman.
Come down here. We are watching people walk through the paper we taped in front of the elevator.
It got messy; I did a shot of seamonkeys.
Eating a grilled cheese at a strip club... good idea??
Apparently I showed all your grooms men my vagina to prove I did not have underwear on. Awesome
look when god gives you a dick that good for his son's birthday you don't question it
I'm so upset I left my sombrero at the expo center
I just got free tacos, you would be so proud of me.
Clarification, I got free tacos without performing any sexual favors.
there's fucking coffee grinds packed all inside my pipe. what did i do
I just saw puke on the road at the same stoplight i threw up at sunday morning! Makes me smile inside.
Randomize
