Theres a dude at this concert at the urinal double fisting beers, taking drinks from both while simultaneously pissing euerywhere. He is my hero
turns out making maccaroni and cheese with whipped cream instead of butter is only good when your high
He's cheating on his wife, and he's judging me for eating McDonalds
I don't remember its real name, I just call it the Harrison Ford Cush after that idea with the Indiana Jones mask. I should just get high and sell people my ideas for their Halloween costumes all the time. I'd make a fucking fortune.
"Functional." Your standards for how you feel after drinking are so high.
When your night starts by chugging margarita and drinking vodka out of tupperware, I feel it's best to stay realistic.
We're shaving superhero symbols into our pubes. I call dibs on Batman.
YOUR TITS WERE ON THE TABLE.
Last night at the bar you we're seriously going up to people and pushing through them like they were bowling pins and you were a bowling ball
It was like 10 tiny penises being shoved in my vagina.
Also- should we send out holiday cards? That say, "Eat a dick, 2014"?
I thought you were dead but then you asked me if your tits looked good. They did.
WHY didn't you stop me from ordering $900 worth of socks last night when I was very obviously judgement impaired at the time?!?!
We fucked for 9 months, but he didn't want anything serious. So, I got rid of him and went on a date with a guy last night that looks like Kylo Ren. Who's really winning here?
She turned off her phone alarm (which was the theme song to Star Wars) and then asked me if I wanted a blow job before she went...of course I am going to see her again.
Everyone has seen your nipples. It's like asking if they ever walked on grass. You need better hangover questions.
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