Youll never guess who has to go to fucking planned parenthood because trojan cant make a fucking condom
New realization: eye makeup remover takes sharpie off boobs
So you used a whole package of smoked meat last night. Didn't eat it, just took it out and put it all over the fridge.
Do you think I can wear the dress I went to jail in with the shoes I went to prom in to the wedding tonight?
Teaching my class, used paper clips to fix my hair. Too hungover to be a kindergarten teacher.
I was told I sang Taylor Swift's entire discography in between violent bursts of green vomit before falling asleep in the bath tub
I found a picture of me as a little kid with nothing on except a towel covering one of my nipples and I'm glaring at the camera. Literally nothing has changed except I have boobs now
I don't care if my next phone has to run on the blood of virgin koala bears, I don't want to be scrambling for a charger.
True love: he brought me a margarita while I was n the shower. He's a keeper.
Where are you? Your parents are here. Their flight got in early.
Trashy Tequila Tuesdays. Have them meet me here @ the bar.
I'm not sending your parents to see you drunk at a gay bar. What kind of boyfriend do you think I am?
A great one. Entertain them i'll be home soon....... I think
Oh my lord it is too early in the morning to be that horny freak
my vagina doesn't wear a watch
I'm getting a car wash man. I am go get a car wash high.
Told him my main goal was to seduce the man and convince him to leave his wife for me. He didn't argue just asked me to let him know if I succeeded so he didn't waste anymore time not sleeping with the secretary at his office. I have an incredible boyfriend.
It happend again, swimming on the floor... Vodka is my friend
If by fun you mean, did I meet her cousin for the.first time and bang him, then yes it was a productive evening.
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