Don't look now but I am in class with a mixed drink
Don't look now but my prof just asked me if I was drinking a screwdriver
a very overweight girl in the ER just said she trippped over the invisible wii jump rope and fell
the truckdriver in the lane next to me just looked down and motorboated in my direction.
Just remembered throwing your phone at your face in a half-drunk stupor the other morning when your alarm went off. Thought I should apologize.
Someone just asked me to go to the dining hall for dinner and he will use one of his swipes to pay for my meal. i think this is a college version of a date
We ran out of toilet paper the last week, so we just took showers to pee
Can we please not be like these pathetic people in their thirties who only get drunk when they go see Sherrill Crow?
i think he just broke into a bike shop his last text said something about hiding in some tree
Just used "I used to work as an inflatable toy operator" as a pick up line. Freshman frenzy is great...
I just heard my parents fuck. What. The. Fuck. My rooms right under theirs.. My dad barely even lasted a minute. Im almost ashamed..
Just wait til you visit, there will be an endless supply of fresh dick for your demand #economics
I'm not saying I haven't been that drunk. I'm just saying I haven't been that drunk and then have cops buy me shots.
If I get a 4.0 I am doing SO much cocaine.
Ah you cut my boxers off with scissors, we're way past introductions
Staff meetings will be awkward since my boss and I both did the new intern
Maybe she doesn’t know you did him
Oh she definitely knows - it was a threesome
Please tell me you’re not taking life advice from porn scripts again
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