Jason just peed on the potty all by himself!!
"omg awesome!, you do realize we aren't together anymore"
i was high and broke so i stole a roast chicken and a 40 inch sheet cake from wegmans and ate in a bathroom stall.
I told him I'd give him a BJ if he admited Hanson was good.
PS: the photo I uploaded for this internship site is the same one i used for my fake ID. I like to keep it classy.
we are sitting in a kindergarden classroom alone chugging beer. look at our lives. look at our choices.
Uh oh. Middle aged belly dancers. And they just got out swords. Shit is about to get real.
My new year's resolution was to squirt this year. I only have four months left. Help.
Hey. There is naked girl with "plz don't touch her. She just turned 21" sharpied on her chest. What happened last night?
It's all good, I've hated people for lesser reasons than being my ex boyfriend's favorite pro athlete of all time
I just audibly asked myself if i wanted to masturbate.
And then audibly agreed
I swear to god he's making pineapple onions and cheese. He thinks he's making eggs onions and cheese
Just ate an entire BBQ chicken pizza this better go to my tits
The man at the checkout said "Somebody's not fucking around".
It's gonna be a good night
If he doesn’t slap your ass with his drumsticks, then I don’t wanna hear about it.
I love how we can bond over the fact that we're the only ones who think the guy I drunk hooked up with looks like Voldemort
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