This unplanned pregnancy thing is really taking all the fun out of football season.
Just saw a girl trying to crack an egg with her butt cheeks. I think I know what we're doing thursday night.
toilet paper cling ons are not as adorable as the little red cub makes them look on the charmin commercials.
If your wondering where your blanket is, I put it on the 2 guys you brought home last night. Their still sleeping outside on the trampoline.
Okay. I really need to get out of this guys bed and get home. It's two in the afternoon. He's not even HERE.
Omg you had literally better be on fire, drowning, and being crucified all at the same time to be calling me at 7:30 in the goddamn morning.
the only way to explain how i feel is someone rolled me down a big fucking hill and then a dog came a took a huge ruthless shit in my mouth at the bottom
I feel like fucking him is something we all do but don't want to admit to. like masturbating or peeing in the shower
Things I just found under my covers: protein bar, string cheese, vibrator.
I made her orgasm until she cried. Four years of only having sex with dudes and I've still got it.
Remember, ur body isn't a visitors center
He carried you out but the best part is you kept saying "can't I keep dancing" as you were gushing blood
So I have been told that I licked your eyebrows last night
Dude there's ten thousand dollars worth of damage to the kids house and three thousand in stolen property and his dog is missing he is pissed
If I give him back his dog do you think he'll invite me to the next party
Omg worst high ever. I'm watching Parks and Rec, and all i can think about is how andy, leslie, and tom are my closest friends. Forever alone.
Randomize
