If that ambulance is off to save our dignity, please tell them it's too late...
Omfg I am plowed. Had drinks with 3 milfs. Going out on their boat tomorrow. They want to show me how buoyant they are.
My sis friend said it was fake then described it as "scary"...greatest adj ever applied to my dick
ok so the lil girl sitting behind u was picking the hairs off ur sisters back and putting them in her mouth
We went to the police station completely hammered looking for you. Don't tell me I'm not a good friend.
i grabbed his hand and told him i loved him and then he looked down and said "i love...mallomars" and shoved like three in his mouth. never been so embarrassed.
he said no sex till date three. i said the party was one, mcdonalds two and that i would take him with me to buy cigs for date three.
after we had sex he told me his original plan was to have sex with my roommate but his buddy likes her so i was backup
she woke me up with a blowjob, mickey mouse pancakes, a mugshot of my ex in county jail, and tequilla. Do you know if she fucked someone behind my back or did i win the vagina lottery?
Shit. I'm suppose to call the bank but I'm too high to talk numbers.
I don't think stranger penis made your tonsils bleed
That awkward moment when you bring a guy back to your place then have to tell him you only have magnums.
Umm my dog ate your vibrator. Sorry 😬
Dude if I had a dollar for everytime she asked me to do weird shit with her when we were fucking I'd have like 4$
I wasn’t trying, but work got a lot easier and more fun once he starred flirting with me and looking at my ass
Randomize
