does it bother you that i swallowed like millions of your unborn children
actually, i try not to think about it
and i pooped them out
Just went to my life planning class. The professor has a braid going halfway down his back and an earring.
I had to fart so bad so i let it go hoping it would be quiet, it was loud and shit came out!!! and i couldnt leave because her parents were behind me
Then she opened the door and pitched the dead squirrel out, yelling "TELL THE OTHERS WHAT YOU SAW"
So my dad just walked in on me with the same girl twice in 3 nights. I told him if he wants to see her tits to adleast admit it. All he did was smirk.
Mitt romney looks like a fantastic lover (full disclorsure: im 76% vodka right now)
I cannot FaceTime with your penis
He straight up just had me drive all the way here and when I got here he was drinking a cup of tea and right after said he needed to go to bed
I just realized my new apartment is at the corner of Patrick Henry and Mary Jane.
Give me weed or give me death?
WHY THE FUCK IS MY BATH TUB FILLED WITH MUD?!
1. You were drunk 2. You wanted a mud bath\n3. We tried to talk you out of it, but you kept throwing dirt at us
Jesus Christ. How the fuck do you not tell someone that your wife can see on the phone bill who you text and how many times ?
That's it. I'm moving to LA & sitting on his face.
It's so weird fucking this kids aunt then going to the gym with him everyday, but my sick minded self loves it.
Update on my sex life: my calves are sore from masturbating too much. It's a thing. Look it up.
I couldnt face her after that wonderful, terrible blowjob. Made a rope out of towels and climbed out her bathroom window.
Randomize
