i just fell asleep masturbating. I'm no longer surprised i'm single. I can't even pleasure myself.
how many princess gummy vitamins will it take to negate last nights drinking binge?
dude if Megan calls say you Sis was house sitting for me yesterday , she f'n found dana's panties
I don't know if the fire truck was perfect timing or if she actually burned something down.
Fuck the gym. I just shaved m'cooch and my pants now fit looser.... Dont judge me.
I just watched a blind kid buy from one of the vending machines on campus...guess there's nothing like a good surprise?
Only you could be admitted to the ER and walk out with a nurse's phone number. I wish I was gay
You stole a frozen pizza from the freezer, stuffed it in the back of your shirt then proceeded to leave the party.
Woke up this morning with an extra $35 and someone else's ATM receipt. How much did I drink last night?
And that facial hair. He might as well shave it so it spells "douche" on one cheek and "nozzle" on the other.
i took a magical journey through the park for about two hours. it was amazing and everything was fantastical. i have been informed someone babysat me through that shit.
Okay so how much boob would you consider inappropriate for smart casual?
I think she tried to suffocate me with her tits...she almost succeeded.
A shark bit my leg in the Gulf of Mexico well me and the T were banging so look for it in the papers
I think that's the first time I had "ass rimming" scroll across my phone at work
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