omg. don't know how to spell his name, but hot new zealand guy's dick is magic
coulda been worse. everyone in the drunk tank got free mcdonalds breakfast
if you're passed out when i get there i get to wear your banana costume and do awful things to you
well what is some mechanical horse racing with out blow involved
Hey, I didn't ask that stripper to put her unds in my mouth, it was just covered by the plus package fee I ordered.
you shall refer to me as my indian name from now on...running with dumb cunts
We have an unspoken agreement. He helps me move and I give him a blow job. It's really unfair to him considering he doesn't know how much shit I have.
Remember those girls from the bar? The tall and short blondes?
Is this a story I am going to hate you for?
Putting a positive pregnancy test next to my condoms in my drawer so I remember why I always need to use condoms
I had to run home with my hands covering my tits this morning. How does this keep happening?
Whenever we go out my brain flips on autopilot, straight to blackout.
You know I'm dangerous when I have make-out withdrawals
he can get married early and ruin his life but he sure as hell isn't ruining mine with a shitty bachelor party
You told her you double majored in Geology and Telekinesis. When has that line ever worked for you?
Almost gave the delivery guy a 34 dollar tip. That high
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