dear santa what can i do with your candy cane?
she told me she had a boyfriend but the alcohol told me she didn't
I JUST GOT MY PERIOD AND MY VISA FOR LONDON GOT APPROVED! BEST DAY EVER!
Just had perfomance review. I was told the best example of my integrity was when I told my boss I was going to fail the random drug test due to my weekend coke binge. She said that took a lot of character.
I don't care if he acts like a don't exist 6 days a week. On the 7th day he makes makes my vagina cry. In a good way. Jesus understands.
I think I may have appendicitis, but the house is like two blocks from the hospital so I'm just gonna go and drink anyway.
I couldn't be mad. She was crying because she fell bare ass into the rose bush trying to pee. So I held her up mid-stream and she peed on my feet. No big
i'm about to say screw it and get drunk in the hotel by myself
It's 2 pm, at least sit by the pool...
you're going to have to hot glue me into my dress tonight. there's no way out.
every single time I see a picture of the two of them on facebook, I want to just call her and scream "your boyfriend said I give the best head on the east coast". But I've been told that would be inappropriate.
So the dude who sold me my english book is the same guy who let me punch him in the face in exchange for a cig at a party a few weeks ago. small world huh ?
I told him we can’t see each other today because absence makes the heart grow fonder but mostly I just need to rest my vag
Why in the hell is there a guy dressed up as a horse passed out in our kitchen.
happy birthday!
That’s the third time this month he’s hooked up with a girl by telling her it’s his bachelor party, and he’s not even dating a chick let alone engaged.
I’m going down on him like an Oompah Loompah on roller skates.
That makes no sense, but good luck
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