mom and grandma are in town. grandma wants to get drunk with you
Outside the community dumpsters: beer bottles and a carton of orange juice. Looks like we were here.
I even resorted to pole dancing with the street sign. I have an extra $20 now because I think people were paying me to leave.
Note to self: don't jizz on a surface cleaned with Tilex. It WILL turn purple.
Just had a flash back. Pretty sure i ate toilet paper last night.
I told him I'd put in a good word. And the word of the day is: NEGATIVE
Oh wait looks like my cousin is getting deported THERE'S HOPE FOR THIS CHRISTMAS YET
random memory from the wedding, the bartender show us how to open the windows of the hotel and pee out of them
Apparently all year they've been using me as a standard of drunkenness
Shirtless guy staggering down the sidewalk, puking into a Prada shopping bag. Ahhh, the walk of shame in Boystown.
We're going to party like we don't have spanx on
I was so drunk I asked my mom if she had always been my mom or if it was someone else for a while
I can’t tonight. I’ve got to see about a penis
I had to remind him last night as he had his arm around me, "We hook up, we don't cuddle!"
The neighborhood cougar just purred at me while I was doing yard work. I’m terrified and tumescent
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